I'm up and I'm not sure why because well honestly I should be asleep but I can't go back to sleep for some reason. Am I upset that no one listens to me? I think so because other people say it and I'm over thinking to myself " I just said that!!" People don't ever listen to a word I say and honestly I'm not sure why but you know that's okay. It's like I don't know I'm not even going to say it. I guess I'm up because I woke up hot and sweaty. I had this weird nightmare and it shook me up and now I'm still up wondering why I let it happen in the first place. I'm tired. I'm tired of talking and no one listening and when something happens they get all huffy and puffy. Well, you know if you'd listen every once in awhile you'd know that I've been trying to help you out. I don't get it. I know I'm stupid and stubborn at times. I'm just over here planning my day and writing about whatever comes to mind. I'm still in the waiting. I got an email yesterday evening about my manuscript not being accepted and that's fine. It was a Christian book. I honestly didn't expect a secular publisher to pick it up, but that's fine. God probably has other plans for me. I will accept the hard pill and swallow it and move on from it. What hardly anyone else sees is my writing and emailing numerous people about my books or about how I can write for them. What you don't see is my extremely hard work and pure dedication. You don't see my tears. You don't see my pain or my frustration. You don't see any of that and you probably never will because I will not let it stop me. I'm going to keep going. I know what God has in store for me. I'm going after it. I'm not going to wait for it to come to me. I want to be writing songs. I want to be writing plays. I want to be writing and publishing more books. I want to win a tony award. I want to win a Grammy. You wouldn't ever know that had I not told you. I love music. I mean I truly love everything about music. I want to write Broadway plays. I want to write movies. I want to write tv shows. I want to be apart of something better than what I have going on right now. I know my dreams will come true one day and when it does I wouldn't be shocked or surprised to see negative people all around me. God has good plans for my life. I just have to trust and obey. What you don't see is the hurt I feel from being pushed aside by people. What you don't see is the fake smile I give to people. What you don't see is the perseverance and the daily struggles of should I write today or just leave it alone? Hardly anyone ever encourages me. Hardly anyone ever calls me out of the blue or sends me a friendly hello. I find my strength in solitude. I know that since no one can truly help me out right that I have to sit and wait. Most people don't tell you their struggles. Most people don't tell you how difficult it is to find joy when all you feel is sorrow. Most people don't tell you about their failures because all you see is success. Most people don't share their hurt from rejection. You only see their smile and assume they are okay. I know that one day soon that God will release me. He will let me run until I soar and man will i soar! When that day comes no one will bring me down for your words will have no hold on me. I was promised freedom and freedom is what I will have and nothing less! I will chase after God's dreams for my life. I don't care what Satan says about my life because let's face it he has no say so whatsoever. I know that my time is coming. I know that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to move, but only when God says it's clear. I know that all of this will be well worth it in the end and I do not count this as a loss for instead I count it all joy. It is well with my soul. I will keep going and I will keep praying for one day I will soon see my victory.
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I grew up in church listening to just about all the older groups out there at the time. I grew up with the Gaithers. I learned to appreciate the gift of music at a young age. I learned to know the difference between good and uplifting music to ones that are not so great for the soul.
There is something about music that draws me in and it's a pull that I can't explain it. It's all around us. I don't know anyone who doesn't like music and it's something humans can understand. It's from the lyrics to the beats. It's from the soul grabbing lyrics to the foot stomping beats. I can't understand it. I can't explain it. I truly love music and all that it is. I can't explain why music makes me lift my hands in total surrender. I can't explain why music makes me wanna dance or sway. The music itself proves that God knew what He was doing when He created music. I know heaven is filled with it. From the Angels to the elders to creation. We are filled with it. The universe is filled with music itself. There is more to sound than we humans will ever know. Music has the power to change the atmosphere. Music has the power to bring healing to those who need it. Music has soothing effects as well from soundtracks with scores to classical artists. I love everything about music. I love how music moves the soul. It connects with the person in a way we can't understand. I can't imagine a world without sound. Did you know that your praise is warfare? Did you know that when the Israelites went to battle they sent the worshippers first? Your praise affects the atmosphere. You can be down an out in life but the moment you stop magnifying your problems and start magnifying God. You will see a turn around like no other. Praise is what we do. We were created for worship. I challenge you this week to find a song you like and truly listen to the words. And then once you listen to the words listen to the beat. How does it make you feel? Do you feel a connection with the singer? Or do you feel that connection with the chords and key changes? What drew you into the song in the first place? If you can answer those questions then you my friend can understand music is medicine for the soul. It can either heal you or destroy you. Be careful what you listen to because guarding your heart is most important in life for out of it comes the well springs of life. Have a great day :) I am still a mess. I am working out my emotions still and I am not sorry for being distant. I need time to check myself. It's good for me to be alone at times. I am still very tired and I'm still very upset, but I will be okay. I promise. I didn't want to think about things like that and it's upsetting still but I am going to focus on this weekend. I am going to enjoy my time with family. I'm tired of people. I am tired of talking. I am tired of putting on a smile. I am not bitter. I am not mad. I am not sad. I am indifferent. I am working through things and I am not in the mood for it. How can someone be so causal with it? "You need to put him down." What? Uh no, I'm done going to put him to sleep right now because he acts fine. He doesn't look like he is in pain. I am sure he is and the fact that he is bothers me and I wish I could take the pain away. I hate seeing him suffering with his mouth. I pray it heals on its own. You'd think she would have cleaned. You'd think she would have popped it and sewn it up. She wasn't my choice and forcing someone to do that within a few hours and gripping at the owner because she didn't come right then. Well, you called after I kept calling numerous times. You have no right to grip me out because I didn't call you back. I have proof I called you at least 10 times and no one freaking picked up the phone. So, if someone has the right to be mad here it's me. So, save your crap for someone who cares. You were about to see a really mean side to me if Robert wasn't there and trust me, I can be mean. Don't get snippy with me. I'm not stupid. I've been through enough with sooner to know what's wrong with him. He isn't going to be put down because of an abscess in his mouth. And you have the nerve to keep him under for too long and blame me for it?! No!!!! You should know better. Had she done it any longer she would have killed him. He's an old dog. He may be on his last leg, but I'll be dang if he passes because someone is forcibly telling me he needs to because he is in pain or so you think. I am tired of people shoving their ideas down my throat. It's exhausting. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm stupid. Lady clearly hasn't ever seen me mad. Had the other woman been there she wouldn't have done this to me. She knows my dog. He trusts her and the whole time he was in the car my baby cried. I mean cried. He had tears down his face and snot running and it was horrible to see him like that. I cried and held him because I promise you had she done something to him without my permission. There's no telling what I would have done. I am a very vengeful person and trust me, she would not be practicing as a vet anymore in this state or any other state. She made me mad. I'm telling you if you ever experienced someone like this you know exactly how I am feeling right now and truth be told while I was holding my baby as he held onto me and cried on my lap. I became this force to be reckoned with at that moment. I was in full on rip your face off mode. I was seeing red and held onto him all the way to my mom's house with such rage in surging throughout my body. Look, this may come to a shock to you reader, but I am a human and you will see me fly off the handle more than once in life and it's not pretty. Hardly anyone ever sees that side of me, but that woman drew that out of me. I am working through my issues. I am not one to screw with because I will make you regret ever meeting me. You mistake my kindness as weakness and that's your fault. I am not happy with it. I have this anger still inside of me. It will take a lot for it go away on its own. So, now that you know that I serious anger issues over people forcing me to do something you'll know see me differently. And honestly that's fine so, now that I have all of this off my chest I am tired. I am so thankful that Robert was there to keep my mess under wraps or else it would have been ugly. Thank you for reading my sucky ordeal and I hope you have a wonderful holiday.
I'm not sure how I want to start this off because honestly today I experienced so many emotions all at once and it wasn't okay. I felt sick. I felt lost and confused. I felt overwhelmed. I felt tossed around and honestly, I have to write it out in order to feel better about it. I understand that we all die at some point. I understand that life must come to an end. Today or well, Friday July first was an awful day for me. I want to tell you this because I cried so much that I have made myself so sick. I am honestly trying to make sense of it all. Do not let anyone force you into ending the life of a pet. They are not just your pet, but part of the family. I love all seven, yes, you saw that right I have 5 dogs and 2 cats. I have my two oldest sooner he's turning 14 in late December early January. Then boomer, this dog is literally a beast. He can eat just about anything and he is still kicking. We have chimichanga she is 10. Howie is also 10. Ellie Mae is 9 Isabella is 3 and George is 1 and half soon to be two in November. I have a big heart for animals. I shouldn't be forced to make that decision to put sooner down in a few hours. It should be a longer process than that and believe me I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. We went in for an ear infection yet again and found out he had "cancer" to me it looked like an abscess in his mouth. He looked miserable. I took serval picture of him and I didn't want today to be his last. I didn't want it to end like this and so, I fought to keep him. When we got him in the truck I cried again seeing my sweet baby in pain. He looked so hurt. I could see the pain in his eyes. He looked at me and tried to climb in my lap. I stopped him and sat in the backseat with him. He crawled over to me and laid his sweet head on my lap and cried. I mean it wasn't a "I'm fussy" cry. It was a full on sad I'm in need of my momma cry. I wiped his snot and his drool and I wiped my face as well as I tried to hold him on my lap. I held him as he laid himself on me holding me. Now, if you've never experienced the pain of your animal as they lay crying snot and tears coming down their face then you haven't seen anything like it. He is my baby. He held me and I loved on him like I never loved on him before and let me tell you in that moment I knew I made that decision. He came home with me. He wasn't finished yet and I can't believe she was so quick to write him off. Yes, he was in pain. Yes, he was sick, but now he is going to get better. He is the sweetest dog you'll ever meet well, I say that,but he probably wont let you get close to him without me. I saw another side of this dog. It literally broke my heart in half seeing him in this much pain. I cried so much and I felt so much that I am finally tired. I am not ever going to put him through that hell no matter if the dr thinks it's what is best. I don't ever want to feel pressured into making a rash decision like that ever. He is not just a dog. He is not just an animal. He is my baby. He has a name. He has an incredibly loving kind and protective personality. He is my sooner. He may be getting older as the day goes and he may lose all of his teeth. He may lose all of winter weight. He may be slow and steady, but he's my son and I will know when he is ready. I know that day will come and when it does it won't feel like regret. It will feel like peace that surpasses all understanding. I just had to get this all out and I know it will help me sleep. I am just thankful that Robert was there and I am so thankful he kept me from doing this horrible deed to my sweet baby. I hope you have a great night/day. I am tired and I am ready for bed. Sooner is at my mother's resting. He was given his pain killer and he will sleep peacefully. I am grateful. I am glad he is where he belongs. Thank you for reading and night.
This is my second blog post for the day. As you can tell I write a LOT. I keep myself pretty busy with writing. I have been working on this new character. I haven't figured out what to do with her just yet because she is southern and fierce. I haven't found a place for her yet, but mark my words she will be found when you least expect her to show up. She's someone who has a name, but I slowly but surely revealing her throughout the pages of this book. You see, I cannot just sit still and wait for inspiration to hit me. I have it through music. I have it through nature. I have it throughout my life. I love this gift that I have and trust me, I didn't like it at first why, well, it wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't picture myself being a writer much less an author. I write way more than poetry. I have a real talent for poetry. You would think people would ask me teach classes on poetry,but no one has asked. I've been compared to King David. That in itself is a huge honor. I don't like to be compared to anyone, but if you are going to at least this man was well known to the world. I write so much that if I am not doing that it bugs me. I can't sit still long enough sometimes and for that I write to calm me down. Now, back to the sassy southern woman she is going to be part of love hate relationship I am working on and you'd be shocked that to find out that I can actually write. I am not bragging too much. I am not that kind of person, but I think every once and all it is okay. I want to let you know that when you read something of mine know that it's not just words. I try to have a real message. I try to leave you better than when I found you. I like to encourage people. I want to help get you up and moving. Life isn't fair and that's okay. You're going to be okay. I promise. I don't write to just write. I write to the hurting. I write to the broken-hearted. I write to the lost and confused. I write to the sad. I write to the mad. I write to anger infused justice seeking person. I write to ignite your fire and your passion. I write to inspire. So, if you fall under any of these categories then you my friend are my audience. I am someone who wants to let you know that in life you are going to question your existence and that my friend is a OKAY!! You will find yourself like my new sassy souther woman that through life's tests and trails that you will be tossed aside. You will find yourself alone and dismayed. Your friends can't help you or heck, they may not want to or don't even know how to help you, but this woman finds the beauty in her struggles. Yes, it's going to rain and yes, it's going to bring floodwaters and yes, you are going to feel like you are drowning, but your help is on the way! You don't have to live your life alone. I am not in anyway, shape or form trying to preach to you, but with a little faith you can find yourself surrounded by grace like an ocean. You can feel your pains, hurts, struggles, sickness and diseases and issues be lifted off of you. You can't imagine the love that awaits you. The yoke is easy and light. You don't have to drown in fear. You're going to be okay. I promise you. I want you to know that when you read something of mine that you feel a sense of empowerment. I hope that when you read these words that you feel like you can conquer the world. I am going to conclude this blog with what I like to call a little lesson in faith and trust and with that my dear friend, you will find your strength and soar once again, but until that day comes and when it comes you will know and you will spread your wings and fly high! You will fly over the clouds of despair. You will fly high over the mountains of doom. The oceans of fear. You will fly and you will do great things I hope you have a great day.
Here I sit in my favorite spot in my favorite coffee shop. Nothing has changed with me to be honest, but sitting here listening to music through my earphones typing this out to you. I hope that you are having a great day. I feel like drinking coffee somehow gives me magical powers to not hurt people. I am pretty temperamental. I can be kind when need be, but coffee does something to me. It keeps the headaches at bay and makes me a more enjoyable person. Now that I have out of the way what is my favorite drink you ask, well it would be the Carmel macchiato iced. I don't like a lot of milk, but I like it cold. I am thankful that this place is not too far from my house. I am so thankful that I can keep feeding my bad habit. I am thankful that I can come and sit, drink and be merry. I am here so much that she knows what size to give me. I am sure you won't get that Starbucks unless you are literally there when your person is, but this woman owns the shop. She is kind. She is personable. She is very detail oriented. She greets people and she makes delicious drinks! If you don't drink coffee you will find smoothies or tea. She makes them all. You won't leave disappointed. She works hard to give you great coffee. I love that her mother and her friends keep this little spot running. I am thankful that I know her and her friends. I am not writing this blog because she asked me to, but because I feel like it's better from someone else's experience makes a difference. I love this place. I love the openness. I love the fireplace on the south wall. The small chandelier that hangs in the middle above two chairs and a table. I love the decorations. It's a very cozy atmosphere. Whether or not you drink coffee you will feel welcomed here at this little shop called jitters.
Lord, where You go, please take me with You.
Lord, where You go I will follow. Lord, where You go I want be next to You. Lord, where You go, don't forget that I am here. Lord, where You go, please take me with You. My heart calls Your name out in the middle of the night. My body moves about as it becomes restless. My soul craves Your presence. Jesus,it is Your name I cry out. Jesus, it is Your name I love. Jesus, it is Your name I hold onto. Jesus, it is Your name I praise. Lord, where You go please take me with You. Lord, where You go,I will follow. Lord, where You go,I want to be next to You. Lord, where You go,please don't forget I am here. Lord, where You go, please take me with You. Hello, how are you today? You doing good? Anything new going on with you today? You should know that I pray for you. You should know that I still love you. You should know that I think about you daily. Do you think that it is possible for you to be set free? Or do you think that you are comfortable in bondage? Either way my friend, you need to realize that you have unmeasurable gifts and talents. It's up to you to tap into them. You can't waste your life away. You have been give that choice and I know what I would pick because of what I've gone through to get where I am today. I am only asking because I am tired of seeing the weight of world around your neck. I want to call you out. I want to bring you out. I want to give you that chance to see that freedom is everything you'd wish and hope it would be! Freedom belongs to you my dear friend and for that I hope and pray that you listen to what I am saying to you. I pray that you grasp this concept. I pray that scales fall from your eyes. Freedom isn't free. It's going to cost you something. What are you willing to give up? What are you willing to sacrifice in order to be set free? Pain is inevitable, but freedom is what you gain! I have prayed for a long time that you get to taste sweet freedom. I think well, I know that God wants His children to be set free. He doesn't want you walking around in hurt, pain, regret any longer than you have to! Let it go and see God show Himself strong in your life. I'm going to warn you though, do not confuse the bad with God. Do not allow your heart and mind to be distracted by the pain. You must be broken in order to experience true freedom. How do I know this? How can I tell you all of this? Well, worry not my friend! I have been there in the mess of all my sin, doubts, worries, hurt, regret and rejection. I, like you questioned it. I want to challenge you and I hope you listen to this because you will see what a difference it can make not only in your life, but in the lives of those around you. Healing, restoration and freedom belong to you in the name of Jesus! Why don't you take what has been offered to you? Are you afraid? Will you be mocked? Will be misjudged? Will you feel left out? Yes, you will feel that sting, but I promise you this, God will put people in your life that will help you grow and they will nourish you. They will be there to help you every step of the way. People will let you down, but God will not! I pray that when you read this that you feel empowered. I pray that you call on that name of the Lord and He will answer you and He will deliver you. I don't take salvation lightly. It isn't for hell fire insurance. It's the reassurance of your faith that is deeply rooted in your soul. You believe in your heart and you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and thou shalt be saved. Watch Him break the yoke of bondage off of you. Watch Him tear down your walls. He will rebuild you. He will repair your broken heart. He will restore you from within. He will set you free, but once you are free, DO NOT go back! Let it go and watch your life turn around for the better. God didn't promise an easy life. He didn't promise that life would be fair. He promised that He would be there to hold your hand and that He would be there to protect you from the enemy. I hope that when you read this letter that you shout for you my friend have been set free.
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