I have come to a decision and I have decided not to go through the surgery. I know you think I am crazy for not going through with it. The risk for me is great, but so is it to have a kid.
If I am going to be honest with you, then I am gonna be honest with myself too because I am completely fine with where I am and I am okay. I can't pick and chose the scars in my life.
Life has handed me a few bad hands, but it hasn't stopped me from being me. God has given me incredible blessings and right now one of those blessings should be growing inside of me and being able to hold them in my arms in 9 months.
My heart has taken a beating and I am not going to allow it to be held hostage again. I have learned through God's unmeasurable grace that He is still good and perfect. I am blessed with life. I am alive and as much as I dislike the way I talk, I am alive and that's enough for me.
You see, it all started when people started feeding me thoughts of "not loud enough" "it's not safe for you out there by yourself. You could get hurt. What if someone tries to hurt you and you can't scream for help? What would you do then"? My answer for that would be and always will be Jesus, be a fence around me. It's simple but powerful statement. That's all the security I will ever need.
It feed me fear. It made me feel unsafe. It was a scare tactic that the enemy used to get me where he wanted me to be and honestly I fell prey to it.
I know I don't talk loud. I know that this scar is a constant reminder of it. Jesus is the only one I will ever need. He has protected me in ways no one will ever know and I am okay with my answer. Because let's face it, you are human and cannot even come close to who God is to me.
I am a mere human. I am meek. I am soft spoken, but I am not stupid. I allowed fear to run me into the ground. It kept me there knowing that I was too scared to move. It held me against my will. I fought. I lost. I remained captive to its unjarring attempt on my life.
It wasn't until I almost lost myself to it. I was so close to that edge and I felt Your strong hand pull me back and hold me. This love has a strong hold on my life. I couldn't see it because I was blinded by doubt and fear.
Oh how You love me and my imperfections. You see, it wasn't until I had that moment that scared me for You to save me. I wasn't listening to anyone and their words. I pushed it all aside thinking that there was something more for me.
I needed to see through all my stubbornness. I needed to know that I was good enough. I can't begin to tell you where it started or even how it happened. I grew moody. I grew cold. I hated myself for allowing this mess to even happen to me.
You see a small fraction of what I present to you. There is a whole other world you don't see and I want to let you in and when I let you inside please take the time to look around.
I will one day have a wall of accolades and I will be well known to thousands, but to you, you my friend will get to see a side of me that hardly anyone will know and it will be a beautiful thing. I pray that I am one you can call friend.
So, in short or long whichever you take this as you read this blog that has been everyone talking. I wanted you to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. I am not perfect, but I love my imperfections. I am not holier than thou, but I am forgiven. I am human so, take me as is and love me for who I am.
Hope you read this and be encouraged. I am perfect the way I was created. I'm not sure why it took me so long to see it, but thank you for your love and support. It means a lot to me.
Be blessed.
If I am going to be honest with you, then I am gonna be honest with myself too because I am completely fine with where I am and I am okay. I can't pick and chose the scars in my life.
Life has handed me a few bad hands, but it hasn't stopped me from being me. God has given me incredible blessings and right now one of those blessings should be growing inside of me and being able to hold them in my arms in 9 months.
My heart has taken a beating and I am not going to allow it to be held hostage again. I have learned through God's unmeasurable grace that He is still good and perfect. I am blessed with life. I am alive and as much as I dislike the way I talk, I am alive and that's enough for me.
You see, it all started when people started feeding me thoughts of "not loud enough" "it's not safe for you out there by yourself. You could get hurt. What if someone tries to hurt you and you can't scream for help? What would you do then"? My answer for that would be and always will be Jesus, be a fence around me. It's simple but powerful statement. That's all the security I will ever need.
It feed me fear. It made me feel unsafe. It was a scare tactic that the enemy used to get me where he wanted me to be and honestly I fell prey to it.
I know I don't talk loud. I know that this scar is a constant reminder of it. Jesus is the only one I will ever need. He has protected me in ways no one will ever know and I am okay with my answer. Because let's face it, you are human and cannot even come close to who God is to me.
I am a mere human. I am meek. I am soft spoken, but I am not stupid. I allowed fear to run me into the ground. It kept me there knowing that I was too scared to move. It held me against my will. I fought. I lost. I remained captive to its unjarring attempt on my life.
It wasn't until I almost lost myself to it. I was so close to that edge and I felt Your strong hand pull me back and hold me. This love has a strong hold on my life. I couldn't see it because I was blinded by doubt and fear.
Oh how You love me and my imperfections. You see, it wasn't until I had that moment that scared me for You to save me. I wasn't listening to anyone and their words. I pushed it all aside thinking that there was something more for me.
I needed to see through all my stubbornness. I needed to know that I was good enough. I can't begin to tell you where it started or even how it happened. I grew moody. I grew cold. I hated myself for allowing this mess to even happen to me.
You see a small fraction of what I present to you. There is a whole other world you don't see and I want to let you in and when I let you inside please take the time to look around.
I will one day have a wall of accolades and I will be well known to thousands, but to you, you my friend will get to see a side of me that hardly anyone will know and it will be a beautiful thing. I pray that I am one you can call friend.
So, in short or long whichever you take this as you read this blog that has been everyone talking. I wanted you to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. I am not perfect, but I love my imperfections. I am not holier than thou, but I am forgiven. I am human so, take me as is and love me for who I am.
Hope you read this and be encouraged. I am perfect the way I was created. I'm not sure why it took me so long to see it, but thank you for your love and support. It means a lot to me.
Be blessed.