17
“What am I going to do in the waiting? Why can’t I run and explore my surroundings? Why is He trying to keep me cooped up all the sudden? I don’t get it. I want out of this quiet place. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what else to do with myself and I’ve seen and wandered around from time to time and yet, I feel trapped. I let my fears bind me. I ran and hid so that He couldn’t find me. I just wanted to see what was out there and now, I feel like I’m stuck here waiting even longer. How did that happen? How did I let that happen? Is it something that I’m doing? Is the fear of not being good enough haunting me? The sun is harsher. The clouds disappeared as the heat bears down me. Am I running from it? Am I so afraid that it might not happen for me? What’s wrong with me? I struggle to make sense of it all when all He wants is my obedience. Why can’t I just stay put? Why do I have to jeopardize my own life in that way? I know the enemy is out there watching my every move. I know that he wants to confuse me. I know that he wants me to get lost and blame Him for leaving me when I needed Him the most and yet, I can’t imagine myself without the Master. He brings me such joy and He keeps me safe from the monster who haunts and taunts me. The fear of not ever being good enough toys with my mind in such a way that I had to escape to this place, but even then my mind can’t stop running into that dark and desolate place. It’s becoming my favorite place to hide out of desperation and I can’t take much more it. I lead myself down this dark path. I don’t ever want to feel the Master’s wrath. I heard that He is jealous of my attention and my affection. He, like a Father craves that relationship with me and here I am pushing Him away as if He doesn’t matter or understand how I feel and that’s not true! That’s not true at all! He understands me. He has shown me that with Him I am safe. He has shown me that with Him I have a rest. He has taken exceptional care of me. He has taught me many a things and He has shown me things that most people wouldn’t understand. He sees me and holds me close to His heart. He doesn’t confuse me. He gives me clarity. He repaired my heart. He breathes new life into my soul. There’s something about Him that calls out to Him and oh, I cannot explain it. He calls out to me and my body trembles and my tongue moves violently behind my lips. My heart beats quick as my head tries to understand what is happening to me.”
“What am I going to do in the waiting? Why can’t I run and explore my surroundings? Why is He trying to keep me cooped up all the sudden? I don’t get it. I want out of this quiet place. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what else to do with myself and I’ve seen and wandered around from time to time and yet, I feel trapped. I let my fears bind me. I ran and hid so that He couldn’t find me. I just wanted to see what was out there and now, I feel like I’m stuck here waiting even longer. How did that happen? How did I let that happen? Is it something that I’m doing? Is the fear of not being good enough haunting me? The sun is harsher. The clouds disappeared as the heat bears down me. Am I running from it? Am I so afraid that it might not happen for me? What’s wrong with me? I struggle to make sense of it all when all He wants is my obedience. Why can’t I just stay put? Why do I have to jeopardize my own life in that way? I know the enemy is out there watching my every move. I know that he wants to confuse me. I know that he wants me to get lost and blame Him for leaving me when I needed Him the most and yet, I can’t imagine myself without the Master. He brings me such joy and He keeps me safe from the monster who haunts and taunts me. The fear of not ever being good enough toys with my mind in such a way that I had to escape to this place, but even then my mind can’t stop running into that dark and desolate place. It’s becoming my favorite place to hide out of desperation and I can’t take much more it. I lead myself down this dark path. I don’t ever want to feel the Master’s wrath. I heard that He is jealous of my attention and my affection. He, like a Father craves that relationship with me and here I am pushing Him away as if He doesn’t matter or understand how I feel and that’s not true! That’s not true at all! He understands me. He has shown me that with Him I am safe. He has shown me that with Him I have a rest. He has taken exceptional care of me. He has taught me many a things and He has shown me things that most people wouldn’t understand. He sees me and holds me close to His heart. He doesn’t confuse me. He gives me clarity. He repaired my heart. He breathes new life into my soul. There’s something about Him that calls out to Him and oh, I cannot explain it. He calls out to me and my body trembles and my tongue moves violently behind my lips. My heart beats quick as my head tries to understand what is happening to me.”